I have been engaged for three months now. No one told me what would happen after the engagement day; I’m wearing the engagement ring with so much excitement for the wedding! But at the same time, I feel so nervous. Being engaged takes me to the next chapter of life. And life, I believe, is a learning process. I have learned many things since I said “I do” when my fiance proposed me. I want to share seven of these:
1. No more ‘Single Woman’s Freedom’
When I was single, I wished I had a boyfriend. When I got a boyfriend, I started dreaming of a dream wedding, and marriage. Then my boyfriend proposed, and we got engaged. My dream wedding is soon to be real.
In the middle of admiring a wedding gown design I have made, and planning all the decorations for the venue, I realized I will not be holding the status of a single woman much longer. Once this engagement ring is replaced with a wedding ring, life will no longer be about me: nor my plans, nor my dreams. Life will become the story of us: our plans; our dreams.
A couple of days ago my friend asked me for advice about a solo camping trip. The conversation took me to the memory of when I enjoyed my life as a single woman. I traveled with no company. I enjoyed discovering nature or places on my own. I loved sitting in a cafe alone. In silence, I watched people from where I sat and observed their behavior (this can be more fun than watching any movie!) I loved making goals and plans to do this and that. I made it happen at my own pace. Until now, I still manage my own money. I can buy this and that with no one complaining. Yes, this is about me, I have the right to do what I love at my own pace.
I know things won’t be the same after the wedding vows at the altar. I have to be ready to lose my freedom that I have currently, being single. Though Andrew and I agreed to give each other time to be alone sometimes to do our own hobbies, I know many things will change. Everything has to be discussed with Andrew, from making a plan to money management; everything.
I asked myself; “Am I ready for this?”
2. Two are (sometimes) not better than one
It is written in Ecclesiastes 4:9 that two are better than one. In its context, this verse is well said. We all need someone to help us up when we fall, and working together will often produce better results. Yet building relationships requires skills to deal with characters. Two are not better than one, because when two people agree to walk together, they bring their ‘own way’ to the process, which often makes the journey become tougher. In the first place, when Andrew and I decided to date, we reminded each other to expect difficulty. We both understood that we two are very different, especially when it comes to the culture in which we each grew up. For example, Andrew is quite straightforward in expressing what he likes and dislikes, while I tend to consider people’s feelings more than my own opinions. In the first months of dating him, I got the impression that Andrew was quite disrespectful. He interrupted me quite often when I said something. This was because, due to English being my second language and it requiring longer for me to think of the words to say, he would interpret these pauses as me having finished in what I was saying, whereas I still had much to say. Another example; washing the dishes. Andrew has no dishwasher at the moment, but thank God, both Andrew and I are good at doing this job. Apparently, his way is not good enough for me, and vice-versa. Andrew takes a very long time to wash the dishes even though we only have a few dirty plates, cups, and cutlery on the sink. For me, he just doesn’t know how to wash the dishes efficiently. I always wash the dishes in order: glasses, cutlery, plates, and other pots will follow. While I wash the glasses and other small cutlery, the giant pots with stubborn food dirt get soaked. I find this way very efficient. But Andrew washes anything that his eye catches first. Somehow it takes more time like seriously… is he gonna spend the whole evening washing the dishes while I am waiting for him to watch a film together in the sitting room? Erghh!!
Those are two of many differences we have, which can often upset us. In this case, I learned that two is not better than one. Like washing the dishes, I prefer my own way; it saves time. Being engaged makes this point becomes stronger. And what will happen after the wedding? Should I give up my ways and follow his, or he is the one who should follow my ways of doing things?
Soon life is not about my ways or his ways, but it is about our ways.
3. Hug after all the argumentsI used to work as an event organizer: church and school events. I thought organizing my wedding will be that easy. I was wrong. Preparing my big day is more stressful than I ever thought. Both Andrew and I feel the tensions from preparing the upcoming wedding. In this situation, our emotions become like a roller coaster. We have arguments very often, even for a small thing. It is difficult not to argue with him, and I know that trying to avoid arguments is impossible. But, I’m grateful for my fiance. Andrew says ‘I love you’ to me like endless. Even after the argument, Andrew tells me again and again how he loves me. I do the same to him, and we hug each other. Hearing that magic words and being in his embrace is very fulfilling. 4. Staying pure is staying pure. No compromise!
Before Andrew and I decided to date, Andrew told me a very good point: sex for marriage. I couldn’t agree more with that. We set boundaries between us and keep reminding each other. I want to be honest with you, since I started wearing the engagement ring, I realize that staying pure becomes more challenging. Yes, you are loved! Yes, you are wanted! Yes, you will be one with him! But you just got engaged, and not married yet. Don’t let your heart and mind being manipulated by ‘Oh, I’m almost married!’ Then the idea of being in marriage kick on. However, being engaged is not being married. Staying pure is staying pure. Wait until the wedding night for sex. No compromise! 5. Planning the marriage not the wedding
I have been so excited about preparing for my wedding day. So many things are listed on my to-do list, and it overwhelms me. I set my weekly planner to do wedding DIY: from Invitation letters, flowers, muffin toppers, and else. I want this day to become very special for Andrew and me! I have to make sure nothing gets wrong on my wedding day. Oh dear, I forgot a thing which is more important than the wedding itself: the marriage.
Once the wedding day has finished, I will enter my new life in marriage for the rest of my life. How could I concern more to ‘one-day event’ than ‘something that lasts forever’? So, I stopped being busy making a list for the wedding. I discussed with Andrew about the marriage we are going to build, and we are going to meet married couples from the church to share and learn from them.
6. Say what I wantI don’t know why it is difficult for me to tell Andrew what I really want. It was snowing, Andrew came to visit me and asked me to have a walk outside. It was a great idea, and we started talking about taking some nice pictures for my blog. I told him “I will dress nicely for the pictures!” Yes, I was expecting him to take some pictures of me. I put makeup on, wore a pretty coat, jeans, and nice boots. Then we went out. Andrew started to get busy with his camera. He took pictures of flowers, birds, and other things, but not even a single shot of me. I was standing crossly while he took pictures of daffodils. I got very upset, and I left him. He noticed that I was upset, and asked what’s wrong. I ignored him. I know that was silly, but sometimes, it is just difficult for me to tell Andrew what I want. I expect him to know what I want, without even telling him what I want. Wait… what?Yes, obviously it was my mistake, but I put the blame on Andrew for being insensitive. Andrew often reminds me to speak up about what I want, so he will know what to do. But I keep failing, and we have the same problem over and over again, like a circle. I think being honest with what I want is important both in preparing the wedding and in marriage. 7. Mum and Dad are needed the most
I have never felt like needing my Mum and Dad like now. I am engaged, but having little knowledge about marriage makes me nervous. The first things that came to mind when I got overwhelmed with this wedding-marriage thing are Mum and Dad.
I wish I could just come to Mum and Dad and ask what to do, but distance and time difference make it difficult. I still can contact them via email or chat, but somehow it is not enough. I want them here to support me. Oh dear, yes… Mum, Dad, I need you the most!
